I don’t want to live in this house. in fact, I don’t want to live in ANY house. I want to live in a fucking van, with 4 other dudes, sweaty as fuck, all the time (for some fucked up reason), going to sleep in one state, and waking up in another. I want to have something different every day, and I want someone to meet every day. I want to play music each night, whether it be for 30 people, 5 people, or 200 people. I just want to play.
I want to get the fuck out of kansas city.
I want to go to europe, and to asia, and all of these places, and see what there is beyond the fields and mountains of the midwest. I want to go to alaska, and then go to Boston. and then the next week, be in some small town in georgia.
I want an unbalanced routine. In fact, I don’t want a routine, at all.
I don’t know. I’m just sick of waking up every morning in the same room, on the same bed, with the same light coming through the same window. and getting on the same damn computer, crying about how everything is the same on the same damn website. (I love you tumblr)
Let’s write music. Let’s get the hell out of here.
You’re no child, and your energy makes you look and act a lot older than you are. That’s not a bad thing — your wisdom is in high demand right now!
-Scorpio horoscope for yesterday
The astrological influence at work now is not very powerful, but it does incline you to feel a bit restless and dissatisfied with your present situation. You feel limited and restricted by your responsibilities and impatient to achieve your larger goals. Try not to do anything rash as success cannot be forced prematurely. A clarification of what goals are really important to you is possible at this time.
-horoscope for today
I don’t know. it’s fucking weird how these things are fucking accurate as shit, and they’re written just by some dude or some chick. I don’t fucking get it.
I love how open we all are to different ideas, and trying new things, and our sound has NO boundaries (other than the pop/metal boundary) and everyone is just…genuine as hell, and has experience and loves the music as much as I do, and has a connection with it, and feels it, the same way I do.
I am glad we want to mature. I am glad we aren’t 100% happy with our sound. I am glad that we don’t fuck around. (not always anyways)
I’m excited for these shows. I’m excited to write. I’m excited to record, whenever that happens. I’m just fucking pumped!
the only problem I have, is with myself. I’m afraid I’m not going to want to go for other people’s(‘) ideas, and sounds and whatever they want. I think I’ll just be frustrated or not into it. I don’t know. we’ll see what happens.
music isn’t supposed to fit a certain mold. Music doesn’t have to sound “Right” to the ears, for it to be something good, or something someone will enjoy. You’ll be appreciated more by people who actually care about music, than people who want to hear something nice.
After playing in my band for a while now, and reflecting on the music we have written, I spent too much time thinking, “What sounds right?” and, “What sounds best for the flow?” which basically meant, and resulted in, “what’s most normal and easiest to listen to?”
I hate it. I want to fuck things up in the music world. I want to fucking destroy the walls of the indie/alternative music scene. I don’t even want to be classified as either of those alone, because we would be so off from the trail. I just want to change, and evolve, and become something no one has ever heard.
now, I have a certain boundary for this though. I want to take the melodic qualities of music, and the “good” sounding notes and chords and melodies, and just fuck them up, usually in a rhythmic sense.
when my band plays in odd time signatures (5/4, 7/8, 6/8), it sounds totally normal. you would never know it was in those time signatures, because it’s so…smooth. I like that, but I want something, out of place, to pop out at people, so even those who AREN’T music experts or anything, can listen and be like “This sounds really weird.”
I don’t want to sound like a high school band. that’s one of my main goals. to make, mature sounding, intense, emotional, somewhat-technical, different, creative, thought-provoking, music. High school bands don’t do that.
I want people to feel something, when we play live. I want them to feel all of the emotion that is being thrown at them, and just take it all in. I don’t care how they show it; they can mosh, they can just nod their head, close their eyes,be the guy in the back with his arms crossed, or the two dudes in the back getting drinks thinking “fuck, this band sucks.”
whatever it is, I don’t care. I just want people to hear it. and most of all, I want critism. I WANT people to tell me my band sucked, and say that “the guitar tone is awful, the drummer can’t keep time, the music is just stupid” so we can improve and and become a better band in every aspect.
I’m just going to start this off with saying, sometimes my confidence sucks, but othertimes I have the ego of Kanye West.
I think my personality just down right rules. To be honest, I love how I act. I love my interests, I love the way I talk, I love how I know random crap. I realize that…
We’ve talked about this. This is how I feel about my music taste; I like the fact that I listen to so much music, and know so much about it, and all of that. It’s not so much of a, like, “my (metaphorical) dick is bigger than yours” type thing, it’s just more of like, “Damn dude I know so much about this. this rules.” The bad part is, is the fact that, THAT is the ONLY thing I can talk about for hours and hours and hours and hours that is a “Thing”. But then there are people like Dill who know a lot about a LOT of things, and they can fit into any conversation they wish. I’m mostly uncomfortable with how I talk though, and how I act. I don’t really like it. but I can’t do much about it, I guess so I just let it go.
I’m back from florida. and I’m recognizing more and more that everyone is the fucking same.
I’m sitting in biology right now, and I just hate how everyone here is the same. I landed in the same fucking day as I left. everyone says the same things, looks the same way, talks about the same things, and just go through the motions. but they don’t care. so I guess it doesn’t matter.
what bothers me, is that I’m the same way. I mean, why would I change what I talk about, how I look, or who I talk to? I wouldn’t. because it’s what I want.
I think I just don’t like where I am, and I just want to change that.
I’m getting to that point again, where I hate everything, and just want to sit silently in a room with people. i hate it, and I want out.
I hate how i need people. I hate my desire, for people. I wish I was strong enough to not be dependent on any, one person, at any given time. I really want to be 100% emotionally independent. but that just doesn’t happen, when you’re zack hames.
I just need someone, or nothing at all. so I can either feel it, or just forget it.
I hope playing these next four shows will rid those feelings.
this house is perfect to just chill out at. I love the feeling I get from being here. I hate how badly I want to go home just for band practice though. I want to be prepared for those shows so badly though.
anyways, yeah. florida is fucking sweet. I don’t know what else to say about it.
The ocean is awesome. walked so far, and it’s so shallow. built a kickin’ sand castle/tunnel thing with my sister. fuck yeah.
I like it here. I wish it was me and my friends though. it would be so much more badass. but, that’s alright.
writing is really easy when you’re in a different place. I think when I can, I want my band to write albums in different places. like, one album written in california, then the next one to be written in boston. different atmosphere, different people, different house, different feelings. I think it would be interesting.
I’ll put some little things up of pictures and music soon.
you’re such a fucking idiot. you know what is going to happen, and yet, you fucking go for it. You are someone I look up to, completely, and you do this? we even talked about how you weren’t going to let it happen again.
fuck that dude. you’ll feel it again, and you’ll regret it, again.
the more and more I see how people actually are, in their everyday life, and in their private minds, I just see how completely normal people are, and completely the same people are. No one is different from one another, and it’s kind of disappointing. I am sick of the lack of variety in people. I’m so sick, of everyone listening to the same music, wearing the same clothes, thinking the same thoughts, writing the same posts on tumblr, facebook, or twitter, being each other.
sure. i’m guilty of this. completely. i’m no different than anyone else, and I don’t necessarily strive to be either. and maybe that makes me a hypocrite, and maybe, this in itself is an example of it, but I am just sick of it. I don’t know what i can do about it, but I just…I don’t know. I want to be done with the bullshit.
everyone’s favorite movie is donnie darko.
Everyone loves Joy division and manchester orchestra.
Everyone wants to start a revolution.
Everyone wants to be an “artist”. (in any way shape or form)
I like how things are moving. I don’t know what to expect, but everything is going well. I don’t want it to end, and i don’t want you out. not for a long time. You are too good. I’m just some kid in a band that doesn’t do anything but play guitar and wish he was dexter. (The blood splatter analyst serial killer, not the one with the luh-bor-uh-tor-ee) You’re more. I haven’t even scratched the surface; just wait until I begin to scar. I’m interested. I’m curious. I want to hold my breath and release and reach the bottom. I want to float out, and shake it off, and see everything for what it is. I want it to happen. not now; but at a much slower pace.
Florida is something else. I haven’t been here in 10 years. everything is how it is supposed to be. The white sand, with the clear water. the sand stuck to my feet and my hair dried from the salt water. I need this. I have needed this. I wanted this.
I am happy. I’m glad I am here, and i wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s beautiful, and honestly, really inspiring. but, I’ve decided not to touch my guitar until after two days, just to let the feeling settle in and actually affect me.
I think the sad part is, is that I’d rather be at home practicing with my band.
it seems like whenever I get involved with someone, they always get really fucking sad and unhappy. like, they’re totally cool before they meet me, then all of the sudden, they’re a lifeless shell, that just…hates everything, or just feels alone all the time.
I feel really bad about it, because I feel like it’s my fault for some reason. like, they don’t know it, and I don’t know it, and it’s not something I do, it’s just what happens.
I wish I didn’t NEED human contact. my life would be so much fucking easier.
“If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. But in order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you. There’s no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I’ve gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against you. There’s no other choice. Shameless now. Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now. But my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked. I’m naked and fearless.-
And my fear is naked.”—Henry Rollins